How to get your kids to cooperate-even if they don't want to

A quick introduction to the skill on Boundaries and choices.

Getting cooperation is about power dynamics. You are telling your children to do something that they probably don't want to do. And because you have AUTHORITY over them, they can resent you for that power you have, and so resist you even more.

Understand what creates the power dynamic and you will find the secret to unlocking it.

• know the difference between being authoritarian, and being the authority. Authoritarian is more the commanding boss. Being the authority can still be empowering and respectful.
• see the difference between obedience, and cooperation. Obedience is: "don't ask questions, just do as I say" and cooperation is more of a willingness to join together to do something.

This quick lecture supports you in exploring the skills, instead of just passively listening.

People experience two main barriers to learning new skills:

1. this doesn't apply to my situation
2. I know this already

How to make sure you get breakthrough after breakthrough.

For some parents, the focus is on the 'content' of the skill.

But for many others, the search for the depth of these skills create a deeper understanding of WHY the skill works, and they can therefore adapt it to any situation they find themselves in.

What may seem like such a simple skill actually conveys your value system, your attitude, and your understanding of what works for your child.

The most common review I get from parents who take my courses is that they wish they could have spent more time in seeing how to make the skills work, than on trying to prove to me why they won't work in their situation.

Be open to seeing how to adapt and apply it than dismiss these as 'simple' or 'doesn't apply to me'

As you progress through this course, please feel free to ask any questions and I will be happy to answer them. You can do this within the course, or via the personal messaging system.

And many parents and teachers often ask the same kinds of questions,
so I created a ‘free resource course’ where I answer many of the great
questions from all my other courses put together.

This free resource on “The top 20 questions and answers to become a better parents covers these kinds of questions:

• Know how to stop your child's whining and sulking behaviour
• Use alternatives to yelling and shouting, keeping your child's dignity in tact
• Put in place effective boundaries with the 3 D's to intelligent boundaries
• ·Understand why some children listen to you, but don't do what you ask
• ·Know how to apply the developmental stages of child development
• Learn why 'TIME-OUT' chairs do more damage than good
• Deal with your child's school separation anxiety

I am sure you will find insights, skills and possible breakthroughs by browsing through this new course. As I get new questions from you, I keep adding new lessons. Look for the course title and link in the last lesson in this course and enroll to see if it answers your question.

Got a really resistant and difficult child? Then this sub skill will work for you...

Children often resist any situation when they are told what they must do.... So this skill gives them what they want, while you still get what YOU are wanting. (a very clever skill....)

A child's resistance is most likely not about WHAT to do, but that it is YOU telling them what to do. These skills find a way to make your child also feel you have their best interest at heart.

• you can even skip giving any of your choices and move straight to asking them to come up with their own choice.
• although you are opening up a wider range of choices, it will be important to keep them focused that their option still needs to fall within the boundary you have set.

As children get older (especially in the teenage years), you need a skill that gives them HUGE amounts of independence, but still keeps them on track within YOUR boundaries.

This skill develops great thinking skills in children, and you will keep reaping the rewards as they grow older.

The power of these skills is in your ability to assess what is needed, and how much of your intervention is required. That is why I will never tell you the "best" way to parent because each situation, and each child is different.

As children get older, so they experience a greater need for independence.

This new skill is about conveying respect for their independence, without letting go of what is also important to you.

Sometimes when we give children too much independence, they can experience that as 'we don't care'. Keep checking if this happens for you.

For you to replace an ineffective technique with a new Emotionally Intelligent one, you will need to keep developing your awareness of which 'traditional' techniques and tricks you use.

In this lecture we explore those techniques most commonly used that actually undermine our children.

Then we can replace these ones with more empowering ones.

See the resource section for a list of other common disempowering techniques we a grew up with.

One of the statements to look out for when learning new skills is the very common:

"Well, my parents used this old technique on me and I turned out OK."

And as much as that may be largely true, this is often only done as an adult looking back over 20 years past, having forgotten what it was REALLY like when this happened to them.

Life will throw your children enough curve balls and unhappy situations to learn from. Let them experience you being the positive and empowering part of life.

The Top 4 undermining techniques we were brought up with.

1.Accusing and Blaming: I keep telling you to do these chores every day. You don’t listen to me and I feel I am talking to a deaf person. When are you going to grow up?

2.Threatening them: If you do not do what you need to do every day, I will take away your play station and ban you from TV for the next two weeks.

3.Guilt: The lecture and Moral: Do you know that there are children younger than you that have to do more chores than you and they don't complain?

4.Martyrdom phrases: I feel like a stuck record just saying the same thing over and over again. I don’t know if I can handle this anymore.

And if you aren't getting the results you are wanting with those cooperation skills, then here are some of the reasons why this may happen, and, what you can do about it.

The skills work: We have 15 years of proof of that. But the effectiveness of the skills will vary depending of the "HIDDEN" messages you may also be communicating to your children at the same time (and may not be aware of them).

TIPS to making this work even better:

• use the general rule instead of "I need you to..."
• the more tired children (and you are), the more difficult our natural desire is to cooperate
• sometimes you will get more cooperation by listening and acknowledging than by reason and logic
• If you spend more time on stating the boundary and telling your children what they are doing wrong, their resistance will increase.
• a life-saver sentence to have on the tip of your tongue:
  

  “It looks like the ideas I have come up with don’t seem to be working for you. Have you got any other good ideas that would work better for you while (state what your boundary is)..........

A quick review of the Cooperation skills already covered and learned. Print out a few of the summary sheets (found in the resource section) so you can stick them up around the house. The more you 'review' them, the more those skills will be on the tips of your tongue, and YOU WILL get great result.

And watch the bonus links where I answer a parent's question "What do I do when my child still says 'I don't want to'"

• Making a choice is a skill, so giving a choice supports your child in learning how to make good decisions (and supports them in being independent).
• When a child is told what to do, they resist this more due to the power struggle of independence opposed to actually what they have to do.
• In giving choices, it makes a child feel more in control of their situation which therefore diffuses the power struggle.
• Set the boundary (or what needs to be done) and then give a choice of what can be done within the boundary.
• If you are dealing with a strong willed and resistant child, give the third choice: or is there any other way that you can do this that will also work?”
• If there is no choice on what to do, give a choice on how to do it.

A quick introduction to the second skill, Share what you NEED.

On average, a child hears the word "NO!" over 400 times PER DAY!

If you look at most household and school rules, you will see that they start with the words, "Don't..."

We explore how this impacts the brain and results in children not listening to us.

It was Einstein who said that the solutions to our current problems need to come from a different kind of thinking that created those problems in the first place. By now, if you have been trying the previous techniques, you should have seen different results.

Just changing your thinking on this will RADICALLY transform your boundary setting.

By learning this skill you will tap into your children's NATURAL motivation to cooperate with you, instead of you shouting, threatening or even bribing them.

And in the external resource section watch the video reminder we made of this skill we filmed in the Caribbean

When you ask a child NOT to do something, they first have to create an understanding of what they mustn't do, to then find what you are implying they MUST do instead.

By sharing what you need the first time, it focuses their brain on what needs to happen, guiding them straight into action.

Every time you are saying "Don't... Stop!.... No!" you are conveying to your child what is wrong with your child. By sharing what you need, you are focusing them on what would be more appropraite instead of what is wrong.

This skill is one of the ALL-TIME favorites of parents. It is soooooo easy to understand why it works, but can be so frustrating in trying to change your 'default' language of the past. You know you want to say something else, but still find yourself using the old 'techniques'

However, it's also the one that when learned, creates a radical impact very quickly (and so keeps parent motivated to use it)

And if you want more of this, check the external resources in the supplementary section to watch a parent share how she worked this skill and I gave her even more insight into the skills (12mins)

When you are asking children to stop doing something they are enjoying, they can interpret that as you not wanting them to have fun. It can comes across as everything is ALWAYS about YOU, and it's so UNFAIR!

When children experience this, their ability to listen carefully to you decreases so you find yourself 'nagging' again and again.

The three steps to implement this skill

1.Share what is needed at that moment (or how it should be done).

These benches are for sitting on

2.Then share where/when they can do whatever it was they were doing before.

As it seems you really enjoy swinging, perhaps you can use that barrell swing over there, or perhaps the log swing on that side, or maybe there is another place in the school you would like to set up a safe swing so you can carry on?

3.Then give them a choice of what to do now.

So what would you like to do now? Find soemthing else to do or shall we see how to make another swing for you?

Your learning these skills will go through this 4 step process. Check to see where you are at, and take note of what stages of learning you will go through to master these skills.

And then watch a parent share how he used his skills with his daughters (in the external resource section)

Moving through the four phases of learning a skill:

1. Unconsciously unskilled
2. Consciously unskilled
3. Consciously skilled
4. Unconsciously skilled

Want to learn these skills in the least amount of time with the least amount of effort? Get the advice from other parents just like you on how to learn, integrate and master these skills.

Use the blank table in the resource section for your course to write down your list of DON'T, STOP or NO!

1. On the left hand side, list the rules and boundaries where you are saying "Don't....." (ie don't throw your laundry on the floor... don't leave your homework till just before bedtime)
2. On the right hand side, share what you are actually needing them to do instead (Clothes go into the laundry basket when taken off......homework is done before dinner time please)
3. Give the table to a friend or spouse and get them to quiz you so you have these on the tips of your tongue.

This is the BEST exercise to sharpen your skill, and get prepared for using this skill on your children.

Simple.... (but not always easy)... find the alternate way of saying something instead of telling them WHAT NOT TO DO!

And download the audio exercises to get you going even quicker!

And if you aren't getting the results you are wanting with those boundary skills, then here are some of the reasons why this may happen, and, what you can do about it.

Sometimes just one word may be the difference between your skill working, or not.

The success of these skills is in avoiding the words and phrases that trigger confrontation. And these tips may support you finding out if you are using them.

• Try and avoid 'complaining' to your children that they just aren't listening to you. Replace those words with ideas on where they can do the things they are currently doing now.
• The more your child experiences that you are wanting to find a way to make this work for them as well, the more they will remember what the boundaries are, and be more willing to cooperate with you.

The 3 D's of boundary setting are:

1. D=Detail: Are you clear on the details of the boundary - how clean is a room? Can you measure it?
2. D=delivery: Are you able to share this boundary in such a way that INSPIRES them to step up to keep it?
3. D=Diligence: Do you put more time into supporting them in keeping the boundary, or into complaining that they aren't keeping it?

A quick summary of the SHARE WHAT YOU NEED skills.

And download the list of my favorite alternate ways of saying things. Print them out and stick them up around your house. Even let your kids see them and start using them.

I bet you they will learn these quicker than you!

• If you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you have always got.
• If you don’t like what you are getting, you need to do something different!
• If you find they are resisting you, then use the expanded skill Share what you need and where they can do what they are currently doing and give them a choice of what to do next (the transition question).
• Sharing what you need avoids the rightness and wrongness of any situation. It simply states what is needed to be done.

A quick introduction to the most important skill to build up your child's stamina and internal self confidence.

You can only achieve something if you don't give up.

In this lecture you will learn how to avoid saying the things that actually SHUT our children down.

And then you will see how to SUPPORT them in stepping up to overcome the challenges.

So many parents are getting frustrated because their children seem to give up, or don't even want to try!

But they don't know how to avoid the old 'techniques' that actually keep their children trapped!

Look at the additional resources to see what I mean by the 'old techniques'.

This lecture will pin point the exact reasons as to why parents can't find the way to SUPPORT their children.

These are incredibly clever skills that will get you break-throughs if you pay close attention!

• our default traditional response to a child who is struggling is try and make them feel better by saying that it is actually not that difficult.
• but our children actually want us to support them in stepping up
• an attitude of "I can" will lead to greater perseverance and stamina

Respecting the Struggle is a skill used to acknowledge the challenges that a child may be going through. It is not a judgement of good or bad, right or wrong.

Words that are useful to use when acknowledge a child's struggle are:

• It is sometimes tricky if...
• It can be difficult when...
• It is not always easy when...

Supporting a child to be a GREAT thinker maybe the most important thing a parent can do.

• They can then solve their own problems without coming to you first
• they are less likely to complain
• they will feel more empowered because they can think of solutions

So here's how you can 'train' them to be great thinkers even while they are currently struggling!

• acknowledge their struggle first so they are more 'ready' for your question.
• then ask them a question that will support them in coming up with a solution on their own.
• using 'wonder' questions get the brain thinking without them feeling they have to respond to you.

Some children will NEVER take your advice unless you know how to avoid the pitfalls.

This skill cleverly creates multiple opportunities to offer your advice to your child in such a way that results in them nearly ALWAYS taking it!

There are times when children will resist any and every piece of advice you offer them. It is as though they are determined not to be helped. In these moments it seems obvious that this is more about pride and power dynamics than about solving their current problem.

Most parents are nervous about this skill because they feel uncertain about what will happen if their children say, "No... I don't want your advice."

If this happens, use the skill of where you are going to write the advice so you can retrieve it later when you may need it again.

And if you aren't getting the results you are wanting with those skills, then here are some of the reasons why this may happen, and, what you can do about it.

There is a lot going on for a child who is struggling. But remember, that the more you use these skills, the more SKILLED they will be in resolving their own challenges and the less they will rely on you.

Self esteem is a complex dynamic. What works for your one child today, may not work as well tomorrow. And what may not work for one child may actually work amazingly with the other.

Bear in mind that respecting their struggle is not about actually solving the problem. It's about supporting them so they feel encouraged to step up and overcome the situation themselves.

A quick summary of the skills that support a child who is struggling.

Print out the summary sheets and stick them up around the house. Without integrating the skills, your children will not benefit from you having learned them in the first place.

And in the resource section, watch Robin using the skills with children in his school!

• ·Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, either way you are right.
• Children do not necessarily want us to drop the barriers that they are finding challenging, they would like us to support them in stepping up to achieving it.
• Show respect for their struggle by acknowledging the challenge, and then offer information that might be useful.
• Sometimes just acknowledging the challenge gives the child courage to take it further and nothing more is needed
• Words that are really useful are ‘sometimes’; perhaps’; ‘maybe’; ‘it looks like’; and ‘could’.
• This skill develops the characteristics of perseverance, courage, stamina and determination in your child.

Children on holiday, extended family cramped into your house, patience decreasing and tensions mounting?

The holiday season has its risks: The statistics show increased divorce and suicide rates! Now this may not be due to parenting challenges but there is no doubt that this period of time has its parenting downs as well as highs.

So here are my top 3 skills for managing the lows, and building up the highs, so you can move from Survive to Thrive over the holiday season.

1. Describing what you see to get cooperation
2. Giving yourself time to think so you respond intelligently opposed to reacting with threats
3. Building them up and increasing the feeling of love and connectedness.

A global summary of all the skills covered in this course, in rapid fire, in under 2 minutes.

A suggestion: Review this specific lecture again in a few days time. And then again in a few weeks.

Just reviewing this and reminding yourself of the skills at a glance will create a paradigm of integration.

So some more tips on how to maximize the value of this workshop, and get more for your time, effort and money.

Knowing but not doing is just the same as not KNOWING!

Which of these would I like for you to do?

Join our global community of Parents, Grandparents, Teachers and all people who work with young children.